Makeover for the tamed soul

A little over 5 years ago, when I was about to be married to my arab husband, a concerned friend recommended me the controversial royalty spill all coffee table book, Princess. Hooked, I began to read the sequels, and was even more flabbergasted at what I was reading. I began to have insecurities and formed unfair judgements about arabs and what was going on in their countries. Today, as Allah has planned it, I am living in that very same country, and I am about to give my side of Saudi Arabia that is not so often heard.

Nobody is saying that it is perfect here, but hey, can you really tell me a place which is? I have lived in 3 continents and I have my share of complaints. In the end, I believe that if you have come so close to what your heart is really after, the rest will fall in its places.

I've been disconnected from the world for a long period of time now, a phase I strongly believe, was Allah at work, so that I will not be distracted from with my mission (intention). I have done everything in my power to resume connections, but all failed. 10 months is a long time to be away from something that I could barely leave even for a day before. However, the last 10 months must have been the most beautiful 10 months in my life, up to now.

During the past 10 months, I studied Arabic, memorized surahs of the Holy Quran, learned the religion and met so many wonderful sisters. Alone the past 10 months, most of my prayers have been answered...and more. The most amazing thing must be the fact that I can truly be myself again. I can be who I am, and be a Muslim too, without contradicting each other. I'm finally allowed to be my crazy-perky self again minus the guilt. After 5 years, I am picking up my favourite clothes to wear from the tax-free boutiques here, (shopping here is great, but that is a topic for another day!) short sleeve blouses, designer jeans, bead necklaces, fancy earrings and the list goes on. Goodbye ugly long skirts, oversized blouses and frimsy hejabs!

If your heart seeks it, being a muslim here is the easiest thing to do, because there is support from everywhere. Private apartments or villas with segregation for men and women, a special family section at restaurants, private Istirihahs, activities, schools and events for ladies only, and so on so forth. Now when someone says a muslim should'nt be wearing this or that, I will say, Yes we can! In the proper places, in front of our mahram and other women! This is the liberation that I was looking for all of my life as being a muslimah. I was looking for consolation for myself, because I felt deprived from the things that I am and the things that I want to be. I'm finally able to concile my two worlds. I believe many sisters who are already wearing the hejab, or thinking about it feels the same way I do. Putting the hejab means compromising the person that you are, albeit it being superficial or not. Changing the way we look, does take a lot of guts. However, no one can deny that it is fitrah of a woman to dress up, to look pretty and we love pretty things.

My 4 year old daughter is a testament of that. I thought that it was my responsibility to monitor her growing passion for dressing up. I even detested her ears being pierced in the beginning because I don't want her to be consumed with the idea of beauty or beautification. It is a facade, after all isn't it? I was so wrong. Binti is developing on her own, and soon, pretty pink shirts, with flowers, ribbons, butterflies and skirts, braided hair with cute clips became her thing. The thing that she adamantly stood firmly for. The thing that differentiates her from her brother.

I've always been inspired by reverts and I am further consoled by the fact that there are so many muslims from the West who chosed to live here for Islam, and Islam alone. Being new muslims, they find the challenges of the West overwhelming and distracting for their new found faith. They left their countries and well paying jobs, to move here so that they and their family can practise Islam freely and correctly. Born muslims, like me on the other hand, just grew up accepting the environment without asking or looking for change (to fit an Islamic lifestyle).

I am in love with all the sisters that I know here. They are the epitomy of strength, faith, perseverance and patience. I love that I can be around them to just have fun, and the fact we are all on the same road, gave us a wide range of topics to talk about, despite our backgrounds and nationalities. I find Islam beautiful that way. I don't need to prove myself anymore, or to explain why I am different, it is exhausting to always have to be on your feet when an ignorant challenges Islam. I never regretted defending Islam (even though I'm never good at it) but I believe it is as neccessary for me to live Islam to the fullest I can or else, I will just be preaching ideas, not experiences.

Now no matter what people say about Saudi Arabia, I can defend that because I have lived here, and reaped the benefits from it. I can finally say that I am happy, because my heart is so content and I will continue to seek His knowledge for as long as I can. Inshaallah.

Spirituality I now concede comes hand in hand with practice, and the environment is really the Big Brother. As of immediate effect, we want to let go of our house as badly as we had wanted it in the first place. I don't need to live with non-muslims who don't respect my faith, because this is after all a free world. I can choose. I had chosen a house with full open living room-dining-kitchen concept and now regretted it. I cannot invite my beloved sisters and their husband in my house because of the non-segregrational environment. Once I put up curtains in the dining area and created a whole new living room there just to be able to host a dear sister and her family.

I am moving out. May the next place be the Home that will see us through our ongoing journeys with Islam and foster our relationships with practicing muslims in this country. Ameen.

Footnote > I realise now that I was stucked in the phase that I was with hejab because I did'nt look or know any further. I thought that was it and I was suppose to live as a muslimah that way, but alhamdulillah Allah showed me the right way. I realize if I had looked, I will probably have found those sisters anywhere, and I could have asked them, but I didn't. Glory be to Allah. Allah Akhbar.