Miracle of Birth Part 2.

2 years ago, the first delivery wasn’t at all smooth. Firstly, I was frustrated with the skin allergy that erupted during that pregnancy which left permanent scars till now. Secondly, I was not prepared, no not because I’m a first-timer, but because, that trip to the hospital was for a 2^nd opinion, I totally did not expect to be warded, induced and then in the midst of it all, forced to sign papers to say that I’m totally responsible should anything go wrong when I opt for Epidural and a C-Section operation possibility. I refused the sign the 2^nd one as I truly wanted a natural birth, and secondly but more importantly, I was really afraid of the word ‘Operations’ and know that if anything that can go wrong, it almost always does with me. There was I lying on the bed in pain, and then accusations flew across the room to me that sounded like ‘You are going to kill your child if you don’t sign this’…it was the first accusation (of many more to come) that I’m not a good mother from Day 1. Maybe I wasn’t, because that was probably the first time in my life where I have to make a decision about my body, for someone else. Someone, I don’t even know…yet. I took Epidural at the advice (or insistence) of the medical staffs, which caused me more pain than relief, as it was inserted wrongly in my spine (what did I say about things going wrong?) and thus, was adding to the pain I already had of uterus contractions. The anesthesia team came an hour (after their rounds) later to remove the wrongly inserted catheter and replace it. Soon, my left leg became numb and I remembered some fine lines in that paper I signed which mentioned that ‘paralyze’ could be one of its side-effect. Oh yes, I was thinking the worst, it was the state of mind that I chose to be constantly in, since I got married and left my homeland to a totally foreign one. But nevertheless, she came into this world. Helpless and innocent, but yet, I wasn’t quite ready to be a part of her. Breastfeeding caused me so much pain as she was literally pushed to my breast every time she wakes up with people around me telling ‘She is hungry, feed her’ despite my cries of the blisters that I was suffering from my child’s eager sucking. There was no one from my family to tell me ‘It’s allright, the pain will go..you will be fine’, and there was definitely no one to tell me that the milk don’t come until the 3^rd or 4^th postpartum days!!! I was in pain, but no one bothered. She lost weight (and all baby does) and I was blamed.

It took me awhile to digest what was happening to me. When you’re single, you only care for yourself..and then you get married, you love someone, but you also expect that person to love and care for you.. but when you have a baby, that’s when you really grow up. You love because you love, not for anything back. And yes, oh yes, I grew to love my baby so much that I can give up anything I have for her. I will feel hurt is someone says something bad about her. I would starve so that she eats. I would die if she would live. Suddenly all lyrics in those teenage love songs I used to hear made so much sense, it is as if I understood the real meanings of love, for the first time.

Pic of Salma 2 winters ago.

These are the lyrics of Gloria Estafan’s song that she wrote for her daughter Emily.

ALONG CAME YOU

I thought that I knew all there was to know
I knew all about love
I lived the highs and made it through the lows
I knew all about love
But now I must admit I'm surprised
And feel I've only scratched the surface
'Cause baby when I look in your eyes
I understand my one true purpose
You were sent to me
By angels up above, I'm certain
I thought I'd show you what love can be
But what did I know
Until along came you
To teach me about love
Oh yes, along came you
To teach me about love
And as this feeling grows with every day
You awaken my heart
A heart so full I fear that it may break
If we're ever apart
And though one day you'll be own your own
You know I always will be near you
As near as on the day you were born
Call on me, you know I'll hear you
You were sent to me
For one reason, I can tell you
You're here to show me what love can be
'Cause what did I know
Until along came you
To teach me about love
Oh yes, along came you
To teach me about love
Thula thula sana
U mama uyeza
Thula Thula sana
Thula thula sana
U mama uyeza
You were sent to me
By angels up above, I'm certain
You're here to show me what love can be
'Cause what did I know
Until along came you
To teach me about love, oh
Oh yes, along came you
To teach me about love
Teach me about love
Oh yes, along came you
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Teach me about love
Baby, baby teach me about love
Oh yes, along came you