Becareful what you wish for

Just had a funny conversation with a friend today. Actually, 'funny' can be misleading, since he is afterall, THE Dr. Bubbles a.k.a Clown Doctor a.k.a volunteer worker who is endlessly pursuing his dreams and his superstar crush, Siti Nurhaliza. If you're interested in him, ..ehem..I mean, reading about his life and adventures, apalagi, go here. I kept thinking, if we've met 6-7 years ago, we could have been great buddies! Who knows, if my path is not what it is today, I would have been the one match-making him and her in a very cool uptown cafe in Sentul..haha... However fate has different plans, and though we occasionally tease and pull the legs of our common 'online' friends since 3 years of friendship with our Bilik Berita Basi spoofs, we have not met.

Today I asked him, his plans, because after 3 years, I know he is not one who sits still. In 3 years, he has been to Laos, Iran, U.S and dunno God knows where else for humanitarian efforts or learning about them. I secretly envy him. Though what he does and lived for will never give him a worldly comfort enough to woo the girl of his dreams, he still lives on his passion and love for his job. If he had been a millionaire, he would have been a bankrupt the next day splurging on various charity organisations or simply travelling around the world to be amongst the needy, the hurt, the helpless, the ones who would really appreciate his sense of comedy and yet will not offer him a penny for it.

What do we have in common? A crazy sense of humour, that's about it? I may have been a theatre/tv commedianne sometime back in my life, but it was not worth anything till I find out about what he does. We both do the same thing, basically, we make people laugh. But while I may have done it out of my own selfish needs of seeking attention, to try to get a producer to notice me, popularity and sometimes good money to live on, he literally does the opposite. He didn't need to seek attention because his audience needs his instead. He didn't need any producer because he is not aiming for a tv role, he is not doing it to get popular, because those places where he performs, they only know him for a day and he is definitely not looking for money for himself for as I've said, he would have given it away.

So it is unfair or shameless of me, to even measure myself to this friend of mine, whom I've had the pleasure to be acquainted with. Yet, we find similiarites in each other today. In the early morning our chat was centred around the topic of Inner Peace. Somehow I felt I could understand where he is heading, and upon further probing, we realised that we're individuals who needs constant stimulations or struggles in life in order to attain ..a peaceful state of mind. That also means, living AWAY from our natural surroundings and environment, will help us thrive as a whole person.

I'm actually now facing a dilemma. There is a saying that goes..'Becareful what you wish (doa) for', and I am a firm believer of this phrase. I know Allah grants all wishes, whether immediately or not, and I've come to realise that we don't neccessary know what is Best for us, and it's best to leave the wishes - an open-ended request. I wouldn't say, 'Oh Allah, please grant me this and this..' because I will have no idea if what I want, is good for me. There were times in my youth where I thought I knew better and wished for something so definite and clear, and when it did came true, it didn't work out in the end. It was HIS great sign of my destiny and sealed fate, things I was never meant to have, but Allah gave it to me anyway because I've asked for it for myself. I finally learnt my lesson, and my first 'open-ended' doa was made in a mosque in Singapore during a zikr session on 22nd August 2002. On this day, I knew my friendship with my newly-met Egyptian friend was going to end. He was going to leave in a week or so, and I knew I have no control over it. It was also my first zikr session with the Nashqbandi group and it was so soulful and enlightening that my eyes were wet throughout the session. At the end of the session, I made a simple prayer. For the first time in my life, it wasn't selfish or self-centred by asking for specific things that I so badly want, but I let Allah decide. I asked silently 'Oh Allah, if he is meant for me, make it easy for us, but if he is not, please make it easy for me to forget him'. And Allah is indeed The All-Knowing, All-hearing, and I can never forget the goosebumps or the silly girlish flush on my face when Habibi proposed at the gate of the mosque that very same night.

And so now ..I have to be honest with myself. Allah has given us some options to consider and one of them is a lucrative offer to be back on my familiar turf, homeland. This offer has not yet materialised, but I'm naturally excited to be so close to my family members, especially Mak, because I feel I owe so much to her and would like to be by her side . I feel that I need to brush up my relationship with my natural parents and siblings, whether they are interested or not. And there will be a lot of opportunites for learning religion and be involved in so many activities. BUT, is this a good choice for me? Would it be ok for me to ask Allah to grant this to me...or should I, again, trust HIS judgement and let HIM decide instead? Because if I'm truthful with myself, I know homeland has its abundance of distractions in store for me, and I may fail to balance the peace that I've recently found and the buzz and excitement of being in a familiar surroundings. A few times I've noticed how 3 weeks of vacation zoomed by and by the end of it, I wasn't quite satisfied with how I've spent it. The last time when I can say that I am nearly there, many people were not, thinking that I've been too absorbed with my life to give some time for them.

Would this opportunity be good for me, Allahuallam, only Allah knows Best. I dream about this all the time, and yet at the same time, I'm also worried that I may change - anticlockwise. I don't want to be absorbed with the the very things that I've been cured of. I don't want to get distracted with the endless meetings and outings, I don't want to go back to watching TV series or reality tv in the evening because I never need to here. I don't want to listen to anything but praises gloryfying Allah. Will my husband and children be eating from the food I make for them or wouldn't it be easier to get someone else do it? Will I still open the door when my husband comes home from work? Will I even be there? Will I still be interested in educating and nurturing the developments of my own children or enrol them in a fancy some-difficult-to-pronounce-not-to-mention-expensive childcares? Can I really escape the buzz and fuss of the city, retain my sanity and remain the person I am today?

I doubt, but then Allahuallam. HE knows best, and if my 'wish' comes true, I'll let HIM guide and protect me from myself.