That other path

Sitting here past midnite, my only chance to pen my thoughts down. I would have started on editing the programs for the webtv (*hint* kat kak teh!), but i just realised my husband uninstalled the program because it was taking too much space. Yeah, I'm very passionate about my work, can't bear to delete any of those Gb files which was nesting in various folders.

Alhamdulillah, am really glad kak the got me involved in the web tv project. It gives me a chance to work in the areas I love most, without compromising principles which I intend to stick with. Inshaallah.

As i said I was in the mood of flipping old photographs, and then I saw, my old theatre friends in Kuala Lumpur. I remembered my first stage play at the Actors Studio. There were many veteran actors and 3 news ones - Nell Ng, Joanna Bassey and me. All of us went on to do more things, including Television programs. Joanna Bassey became a hot commodity chick especially after the success of Kopitiam on NTV. Nell was also my best buddy then. We graduated together from the Acting Course and have been inseparable since. We went on every auditions together and quite often, we landed in the same shows together. She, stereotyped as the nosy loud-mouthed Nyonya..and me, the ever wanna-be upper class Minah. We did our own gigs as well and that was good side income. Though frankly, I don't think Nell really needs the money.

Damn these actors... Elite, super rich, well-educated...they have it all, now they just need the Fame. Whereas, I'm a true case of seniman jalanan, skipping most meals until after rehearsals because we all will be lepakking at Bangsar till early morning and ordering tons of Naans and tandooris. I work at the Actors Studio on days I don't have rehearsals or shows. It's ironic. Last week I just had a standing ovation for my performance, and this week, I'm selling tickets to those very people who gave me the ovation! Rubbing shoulders and working along veteran & new Big names like Joe Hasham, Feridah Merican, Joe Kukhatas, Chris Ng, Tiara Jacqueline, Azean Irdawaty, etc would have helped me a lot, especially being an English-speaking Malay (NOT Eurasion).... IF I had chosen the other path...The path of Rich & Famous.

As a child, I used to pray a lot. Not in the 5 times ruku' sujud sort of prayer...but more like doa. I always pray for Allah to rescue me. And then when I grew up, I faced some other problems in life, and again, i turned to Allah for help, unconsciously. I guess then, my prayers was answered at the peak of my career. Suddenly, I wanted to go back to SG to complete my college studies. It was an urge I think out of desperation and also deep inferiority after mixing with those overseas-grad, private schooling brats. I know somehow, I don't want to perform forever, but I wasn't really sure, especially after you're being given a big fat pay check for an easy gig and an almost 5-figure income for a small role in a local drama. There are days when I had to borrow an egg from a housemate because I got hungry and gaji belum masuk. Come to think of it, there are more broke days back then, well, expenses are high when you hang out at Bangsar and live in Damansara.

At college, I decided to take up Mass Communications as it was closest to what I have been doing. Alhamdulillah, took a liking to the course immediately and later earned a scholarship to further the course. Usually, when I do theatre or 'live' filming, my family will not come. They are simply not the type who are interested in these things. But that day when I received the scholarship at the Pan Pacific Hotel in Singapore, I was happy that my aunt and my beloved Grandma came too. I also mentioned them in the interview following the event. I hope, That, would make up for all the mess that I did in my life and would make them proud.

That feeling of wanting to do the right thing, wanting to make my family proud lingers around for a long time. It gave me the strength, courage and determination although it did not take into immediate effect. The vision became clearer through time. Alhamdulillah.

One fine day, after I decided to put on the tudung, get married and live abroad in a couple of months, I receive a phone call of what was My Biggest Dream Ever! I worked with some producers a few months before that in some sitcoms, they liked my improvs...and then suddenly, the next thing I knew, they have written a part based on my character for an upcoming sitcom. This was going to be for TCS 5, an award winning channel. Crushed? Regret? I don't care about the Fame, that never have been my factor for working in the industry (Money=yes!) . Here was a role written for a malay girl in a chinese/english populated channel. No one else could fit in this role. It was written for ME! I would have made my people proud. But would I have made my Allah proud? My my, such is his test!

I was young when I dabbled with theatre and much too young to handle the press. Now I recall a now-embarassing-situation back when i was interviewed for a theatre preview. The reporter thought i was funny and talented and wondered if I will go in the path of Joanna Kam Po Po, a busty-cellulite drag queen stand up comedianne at Boom Boom Room (a gay club). My answer? Naive and innocent me retorted that I will not use any parts of my body to grab attention... that didn't go too well on print in The Sun the next week. They said I was speaking from a moral high ground. So what if I'm morally upright? Is that such a bad thing?

Alhamdulillah for a chance to be on this path instead.