The wandering soul

Alas, time waits for no (wo)man. A year has gone and now we have just entered the new Muharram, and I'm not sure if I am anticipating positively towards this new year and resolutions - there are none.

Or wait? Maybe there is.

I've gone through complete changes the past few years since coming to the middle-eastern land. Alhamdulillah, it was to the land of Islam - the land of Prophet Muhammad and scholars after him. I gained so much being there, language, knowledge and perhaps, if I'm not exaggerating, I felt lifted in Imaan. There was nothing stopping me to gain that knowledge and friends of the right kind seem to easily flock so rapidly offering sisterhood that is beyond friendship. Alas, all seems too good to be true. Accidents and events that happened during our stay there left a sour taste and we had to leave for some personal reasons. I know I will miss Saudi Arabia yet loathe it for another set of reasons.

Coming to Dubai was like a treat of candy to a young eager child. The setting is familiar, freedom is a natural right, and finally, I've found Independence that I so long for since I got married and moved to foreign speaking countries - is this a privilege or poison (for lack of better word)? It can be both. I love being independent, being able to sort things out by myself without waiting for the busy husband in small matters like handling the tv/internet subscription, the kids' school registrations or to bring me to weekly grocery shopping. With Allah's grace, I'm able to do everything by myself, and I'm so eager to. Then I quickly lost grasp and vision of what I wanted for myself. What I have built over the years and those very reasons why I wanted to live in a Muslim country/environment totally eluded me in cosmopolitan Dubai.

By Allah's grace and blessings again, I found an online school that would fit my spiritual targets and I thought I am on the right track. I still do, Alhamdulillah, as I see it as a blessing from Allah. However, I soon lost the companionship of camaraderie and slowly begin to feel further away from my mission. Alone, religion is a battle I have to fight by myself and I'm pretty sure, I am not strong enough for this.

May Allah help me. I'm penning my thoughts once again to set my focus clear. Hopefully, by speaking to myself, I keep myself on the right track and be aware of the changes inside and outside of me. I don't want to be the one left behind in the search for Truth. I can't bear Allah's wrath, nor do I feel at this point that I quite deserve His rewards.

O' Allah. You are the All-Hearer, All-See-er. Help me Allah. Guide me to the Path and keep me in your religion and make me one of those that You are pleased with. Ameen.