Crossing bridges...(again)

This is the part of my life that I hate. Or hate to think would be permanent. The gut has its own way of telling us when something is not right, Thank ALLAH for that. The gut surely knows what it wants, and feels upset and irritated when it didn't get what it wants. Well, my gut is definitely telling me that over and over again the past weeks. I just can't ignore it.

Although I'd like to think I'm in a better place (physically), the irony is that I may not be. I feel empty and clueless to say the least. I feel like I'm floating with no direction. I am not in control of my destiny, and it bothers me a LOT.

There are tell tale signs of this depression. I'm hanging out here (internet world) much longer than I need to. Am I doing something important? I'm afraid...NOT.

I need to cut some slack here. I'm after all, re-settling again after 2 years. Re-settling always drains out the energy of me. Much worst this time because the kids go to school now. No matter how drained out I am after searching for houses, furnitures, scouring the classifieds, I have to be there for their needs. Even being with them these days lost its taste because I'm always hurrying for deadlines. Pushing them to finish up their homeworks, and totally panicking when they are not in sync with what's going on. I feel helpless. And yes, without a helper too!

Most of all, it's not the physical work that wears me out of my normal jovial personality (or what it seems). It's the fact that I don't know where I'm going with all this changes taking place. The beloved husband is now a weekend husband, who drops by on weekends with little treats for us before he is being whisked away again in different countries to make ends meet. Not easy to keep telling the children it's not their dad that's ringing the doorbell now, it's just the housekeeping.

This emptiness, this depression seeks much more. It seeks the sanity of life, the spirituality and the harmony of peace. I miss you O'God!

This transit means running around, breathless at times, trying to keep things in order. At times, it is just a space of time that is meaningless until the laughter of the kids fill the room again as they trot back from school.

Life purposely living, is different from Living life with purpose. I seek to understand, I desire to learn. And I seek good friendships that will help me along when I tumble. To give good advise. To remind me of Your existence, O'Lord of the World.

I am not ungrateful. The past 2 years was marvellous. I learnt about you. I heard you in the most melodious recitations. I can speak a little arabic, but not too well that I can be proud of. I can read better now, but I'm nowhere near to finishing line. Not deserving of an applause, definitely, I should realise I could do better.

May You give me directions to the place I want to rest forever. AMEEEEN