Hello and Goodbye...

Great times flew by too fast, too soon. When I first came, I was thinking, what am I going to do with all these time that I"ll have here. There are so many people to catch up with. So many people to meet. So many things to do. I"ll manage. Or at least, that's what I thought I"d do.

In the end, I didn"t even meet my father who lives about 30 minutes away from me because he does not have a telephone number. Lame excuse I know, but I cannot afford to travel there with a toddler and a growing tummy and then find him not there. I couldn"t travel to K.L for the same reason to meet my mother and sister. But Binti did take more than a week to get used to the humid weather and time change. By the time she is well-warmed up, her father has left home for Germany,which left Binti feeling a little lonely and upset.

Soon, I started to call up old friends who very often springs up on Msn to remind me again and again that I"m due for a get-together. Being away, I do feel obligated to at least meet them once, but if only they"d understand that my time is so precious that I sometimes selfishly wish that I don"t know anyone anymore. Don"t get me wrong, it's not that I don"t want to meet anybody, but I don't want to meet just anybody. Over the years while I have been through some changes within myself, and now my priorities have changed. If people say marriage improves one's Iman, then parenthood is a testimony of that. If I could forgive myself easily for mistakes I've done before, I cannot simply do that around my children, whom I know, are absorbing every movement and decision I make like a sponge.

For instance, I was suppose to meet up with my best male buds but invited them home instead as I feel Binti will be quite uncomfortable in a public place. These guys were my best friends. I would defy housecurfews to spend time with them till very late chatting over some drinks. 2 are still unmarried and 1 which recently wed, came later with his new bride. It was an odd meeting. The boys and me, when we meet up, we used to have lots of fun, catching up, bitching, gossiping (yes, men gossip!!!) . But all that, seems lame now. The bitching is painful, the catching up is losing its point, and the gossiping, well.... It just isn"t the same anymore for me, a married woman and a mother to be sitting there and entertaining what seemed very childish and very old. At the end of the session, a new appointment is set, but I turned it down a few days later because I don"t want to be part of that anymore. I am truthfully tired of putting up an act and not being myself.. the new me. I don"t think my 3 weeks here is enough to convince any of my old mates that I"m, considerably different. They will probably yawn in my face if I even try.

Another old girlfriend almost drowned Binti, my precious Binti, by carelessly leaving her hand in the Children"s pool and left her there. When I saw Binti faced down, with hands and legs spread out, wriggling for help and air, I cannot think, but to immediately dash inside the pool with all my clothes to drag her out of the water. Alhamdulillah, Binti did not suffocate but cried and held me tight right after being rescued, or else nauzubillah... I cannot imagine it. I shiver whenever I flashback to that particular scene of her in the water so helpless. It was probably for a few seconds, the longest few seconds of my life, but enough, to remind me once again, that everything is a loan from Allah. And that nobody, is going to take responsibility of Binti, the way I can, and I do. Ironically, this friend is also a mother. The kind who forgets her own baby's diapers because "The maid has forgotten to do it.." Enough said. No, not enough. Binti now refuse to soak in the tub, an activity which she enjoyed tremendously before the incident.

Then I decided that I won't make any more mistakes, and begin to become obsess with how I'm choose to spend my time. Many friends will wonder why I have not called them till now (especially after a public announcement!). I have a lot of explaining to do when I get back home and they catch me online. I will be asked, will be judged. But will they hear me out if I tell them that I couldn't even meet my very own flesh and blood in this short trip? Will they understand that while Binti took time to get used to the time zones, I wasn't having enough sleep myself? Can they be sympathetic towards me who prefer to be with my 85 year old grandmother that I call "Mak"? Will they understand if I tell them that I don't want to rob my daughter of her time to get to know my family? Will they listen?

But albeit all that, I gave myself a chance to meet new people who have entered my life recently. As recent as a few months ago. Blog friends. Perhaps I am looking for something more in friendships that I didn't find previously. Maybe, desperately, I needed to convince habibi that I can make better choices of friends if Allahuallam, we're destined to be here for a short time. I know he is worried that old friends will distract me. I know my life direction has taken a different turn when Binti arrived, and I wouldn't risk anything.

So...back to my new friends. Yes, I must gloat about them because they are a bunch of wonderful people. I would have left it to Naz for better use of vocabs and expressions, but this is something I must do. Initially, some strange thoughts ran through my head because its different meeting a chat friend than meeting people who practically knew everything about you through the things you write about. "What do they think of me? What if they think I"m crazy for saying things I do? How should I behave or what do my blog potrays me as?"

Thank you Naz, CK, Raudhz, Noreez and Uja for finding time to come and meet me that day. It was a very nice afternoon at Great World City the other day and I thank each and everyone of you for being there. And I wished you all didn't get me anything coz I'm now ridden with guilt for not returning any. I'm really bad at such things which is not an excuse, but I'll try to improve inshaallah! And then there is the wonderful sister of Ely, Tety, who graciously invited us over to her place for a lovely nasi tomato last Sunday. Thanks Tety for the invite, eventhough you hardly knew me, but I didn't even feel odd at your place because of your warm hospitality. And yeah, your dad Rocks! I wrote a better part of this entry about all of you, but it dissappeared when my internet connection halted. Geram lah sesangat! But I cannot wait to publish this entry because I'm in a great hurry to thank you all. This pregnant woman cannot even ask for anything more till the end of the term when CK arrived at Tety's with a huge tupperware of Nasi Dagang! Terima kasih so much. Dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki. I really appreciate your effort and kind gestures.

What seemed like an endless 3 or so weeks, now became the last 3 days of my time here. I have not been to Geylang or Arab Street this trip. Forget Orchard Road, not interested. I have not cooked for my family as I promised. I have not packed my bags either. I"m not sure what I should do. Rush to do things I should or start packing, both will remind me that time is running up. Good times must end and soon I will return to the place where I now call home. I must return to the good man who have been surviving on burnt pizzas and take away Turkish sandwiches whilst I was away. Most importantly, I must return Binti to her father, a part of her whom she misses so much and I pray, didn't forget, the past 2 weeks.

So hello, and goodbye to my new friends whom I know are the only ones that I met alive that have read my blog, which till today, remain a secret from family members and made available to friends who are not too keen.

Assalamualaykum.
May peace be unto you all.