A Struggle from Within

These days the skies are still blue. Summer is over, but the last glimpse of the sun gives us hope that we will soon see it again. I dread Autumn and especially winter. Not only I find it a big waste of time to dress up for grocery shopping, my skin is not reacting very well either to the extremely dry climate. The rash breakout during the last pregnancy left me with horrible scars that may take years to heal. On days like this, I blame it on the hormones and then thrash it out on a blog.

Baru je habis baca blog Nazrah about their recent bloggers gathering. Not many days ago, she dok sebat popiah with Uja. Then of course, that long blog about Muar from her and Anedra, taking me back into a world that I was so familiar with, yet so far away from right now. The world of familiar people, sounds, sights, taste...

Wasn't it my choice to leave the country? It was my choice, and I have since accepted that it is also Allah's plan. This 'confinement' period is no less than tough. I am sure I have changed from the person that I once was. Have I really accepted these changes, or did I just make excuses to avoid a struggle from within. My desires are screwed in a glass bottle and tossed into deep waters. Will they one day surface or will they be buried on the shores of a distant island.

I know I am a person who have no problems making friends. There are always people around me all the time. Many have shared special moments and phases with me. Many of them don't even know each other. But they all shared me. Never had I a dull moment even when I was homeless. There are always friends offering shelter, money and food! That's Allah's gift for me that perhaps, I have taken for granted.

Today, I missed important events in all of my family and friends life. Best friend's cancer stricken mother who is hospitalised. A cousin's engagement. Another friend's upcoming wedding. These news I get from emails and phone calls which I have to make. Will I really be forgetful towards my own flesh and blood if I have had all that? Is this why I am here? To give my all and everything to 2 people who just came into my life? Am I really bad at handling these 2 people and the people who have been there all my life?

What have I gained so far, after more than 2 and a half years in this forsaken city? Did I just gain a better spiritual level, a cleaner and purer state of mind? Am I still driven by wealth and material things? Or is comfort a word that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with! Where is the 'comfortable' line? Did I give up too much too soon? Can I really live like this? Which is me???!!! Have I been honest to myself? If so, when was I honest? Now or then!?

See what hormones can do to a woman? Was that hormones, or maybe that sealed up bottle got broken during a harsh and stormy weather.

Have I been thankful lately? Why do I even think about what I don't have and not count up on HIS blessings? I am really torn. On one hand, my personal goal is to strive to be as close as how the prophet and his wives lived. Would his wives be complaining about the lack of these and thats? Is this really a choice that i have made, or is it the most convenient way to look at the chosen present? Is being 'normal' so unacceptable?

So many questions will be left unanswered on this night. Perhaps tomorrow when I wake up, I will forget temporarily what I have just said here. Some things needed to be penned down. But how honest can I be here, when I know there are eyes watching and hearts judging. So I write in the best way I think I can relay my thoughts, without being detailed or personal. Let eyes watch, let hearts judge, for I know, not all eyes are blind, and not all hearts are careless.