I need more time!

As little Binti grows a little bit older each day, her needs and demands increases, and this is directly taking a toil on me. Keeping up to her is something that I'll never be good at, but being around for her, is something I'm already working hard on.

Although I've dedicated my whole life for her and our little family, time is not enough. Why is that? There are times when I have to unplay the role of mother, to be able to do other things, no, nothing like a big time career, but just simple things like having to cook and talking on the phone will make her extremely unhappy, not to mention lonely. At times like that, I wish I have someone else to help me take care of her when I'm busy or I wish there were more kids so that they can attend to her. I'm only a human being, trying to be the very best of what I can be, but it's no easy thing.

I strive, everyday, trying hard to cope without any help. I realise, sometimes, Binti's needs are as simple as, having someone to play hide-and-seek with. While all my life is dedicated to her, I'm slowly losing some other important parts of my life. Like time to improve myself spiritually. I have not been reading the Quran regularly, or even if I do, I try to rush through the surahs and not give myself time to read the translations, that is, if Binti allows me the time to it and did not attempt to tear of a page of my very sacred Mushaf.

Thank Allah, my husband is very understanding, he would iron his own clothes if I did not prepare it beforehand, and would take care of his own breakfast (which means not having it), when I am still too tired to wake up after a sleepless night. I know he works just as hard, if not harder, juggling a full-time demanding career and running a business at the same time. Time with us is limited and short, but he would not pull a long face, he jokes and plays with us, although we know, he would be working till late again right after. I envy him, his determination and his optimism in life. More importantly, I really appreciate what he does for us. With someone like him around, is it even fair to complain? Well, I did, and he came with the story of Sayyedah Fatimah, who when asking her father, Rasulullah for a slave to help her with the housechores, he gave her zikr instead, which will help her ease the workload. That, although is an eye-opener, also proves my point. "See, she lives simply, hardly any furnitures, no carpets to vacuum, not much laundry to do..and even SHE (one of the woman promised Heaven too!), is very human, and can't cope with her housework! At least, I know now, I'm perfectly normal.

Well, thats not the reason of my ramblings this morning. My humble self, merely reflecting on my own capacity and role in this household. If I were to give up my entire life, it still wouldn't be enough. If there was 2 of me, perhaps more things can be done. If the day was longer perhaps? No that won't happen, how come? For we are made weak, and each day passes by, with us realising we are just humans. Made to err, made to ask for forgiveness, for strength, for patience, for inspiration. Why am I then, looking for perfection?

Forgive me Ya Rabb. And give me strength.

Ameen