The thing about friends

Alhamdulillah I am blessed with many friends. Many friends helped me along the way and I honor and pay my tributes to them for their patience, love and everything we shared during our times together. But as we travel the road to growing up, we have changed, or evolved to become individual persons and our paths may not necessarily cross. Time limits us further with family obligations or work, or simply distance-wise, is not helping in fostering those friendships further.

What to do when you have time to pick up the phone to call your friends? Which friend do you call? I call those who are dearest to me by the number of years I've known them. Or try to find them online. And usually, it is quite easy to pick up the pieces. But what if the pieces are.... awkward? Like finding out your buddy is crowned for a beauty queen pageant (mrs category or not) when your only passion in life now is to protect THAT beauty! Like finding out your old friend is knocked up and 3 months pregnant and that person who was responsible for it just left upon learning the truth? Like knowing from someone else that your best friend took off the hejab only after a year to go 3 steps back? How can I ever feel peace and joy when I talk about these friends ever again?

As I'm trying to live my life, and move forward, how do I deal with friends from the past? Truth is, there is nothing in common anymore. They know I will accept them no matter what, I will be around if they need me. But friendship is a 2-way thing, isn't it? I want something back too. I want friends who inspire, not depress me. I want our conversations to be about Allah, or always in constant reminders of Him. I want to praise Allah with them, reciting Masha-Allah, Subhan-Allah, Allah Akhbar at every slight blessings. I want to make dua's for my friends like they make dua's for me. How differerent things have become now. How different things are in Riyadh.

I miss Riyadh. I miss my sisters in Riyadh.

May Allah help my friends who are in trouble, and may Allah bless my friends who loves me for His sake.

The thing about family

I am home. Or the place I once called Home. I have mixed feelings about it now. Used to look forward to every trip, but this time, I was not so anxious to get here. I have good reasons too. It has already been ...a little more than 2 weeks? Besides my family whom I am spending most times with, there is really nothing else here, except the fact that I can walk down the grocery shop by myself. Nothing else fascinates me.

Tried to call Abah two times. He wasn't home when i called. Got his mobile number, but there was no answer, probably because he was busy working. The first time I called my half-brother answered, he was kind and polite, and I wonder about him. We've never lived in the same house before, it is sad that the only thing we both share is my father's genes. The 2nd time, my step mother who answered wasn't as hospitable. I was actually a little shocked. She was harsh and snappy, not like before. I was taken aback. Of course I was upset. It took me a lot of guts and conviction to even want to call him. When I did, I get a 'warm' welcome for it.

It took me more than a week to get hold of some numbers in Pahang, to get to my sister who lives in Shah Alam. In the end I got hold of her, and alhamdulillah, finally, I hear a sincere voice of happiness and I'm glad that I made that call. We talked a little bit and I confirmed my intention to visit her. But I also have another request, for her to get hold of my mom, who recently lost her husband. She wasn't so keen. She said she will try, I'm not sure what that means. I'm sure that I'm the only one of this (if u can call it) family who is actually interested to strengthen ties. I know Rita don't want to have anything to do with our parents, but I feel obligated to, since I'm the one who is farthest from everyone. Rita suprised me the next day by informing me that she actually kept her word. She called our mother and apparently mom promised to visit her at her place when I come. I was exhilarated, but Rita was quick to advice me not to be too hopeful. She obviously don't want me to be dissapointed in case mom does not turn up.

I will be making the trip very soon. I pray that Allah will make the journey smooth for us, and that the reunion be blessed and memorable.

Makeover for the tamed soul

A little over 5 years ago, when I was about to be married to my arab husband, a concerned friend recommended me the controversial royalty spill all coffee table book, Princess. Hooked, I began to read the sequels, and was even more flabbergasted at what I was reading. I began to have insecurities and formed unfair judgements about arabs and what was going on in their countries. Today, as Allah has planned it, I am living in that very same country, and I am about to give my side of Saudi Arabia that is not so often heard.

Nobody is saying that it is perfect here, but hey, can you really tell me a place which is? I have lived in 3 continents and I have my share of complaints. In the end, I believe that if you have come so close to what your heart is really after, the rest will fall in its places.

I've been disconnected from the world for a long period of time now, a phase I strongly believe, was Allah at work, so that I will not be distracted from with my mission (intention). I have done everything in my power to resume connections, but all failed. 10 months is a long time to be away from something that I could barely leave even for a day before. However, the last 10 months must have been the most beautiful 10 months in my life, up to now.

During the past 10 months, I studied Arabic, memorized surahs of the Holy Quran, learned the religion and met so many wonderful sisters. Alone the past 10 months, most of my prayers have been answered...and more. The most amazing thing must be the fact that I can truly be myself again. I can be who I am, and be a Muslim too, without contradicting each other. I'm finally allowed to be my crazy-perky self again minus the guilt. After 5 years, I am picking up my favourite clothes to wear from the tax-free boutiques here, (shopping here is great, but that is a topic for another day!) short sleeve blouses, designer jeans, bead necklaces, fancy earrings and the list goes on. Goodbye ugly long skirts, oversized blouses and frimsy hejabs!

If your heart seeks it, being a muslim here is the easiest thing to do, because there is support from everywhere. Private apartments or villas with segregation for men and women, a special family section at restaurants, private Istirihahs, activities, schools and events for ladies only, and so on so forth. Now when someone says a muslim should'nt be wearing this or that, I will say, Yes we can! In the proper places, in front of our mahram and other women! This is the liberation that I was looking for all of my life as being a muslimah. I was looking for consolation for myself, because I felt deprived from the things that I am and the things that I want to be. I'm finally able to concile my two worlds. I believe many sisters who are already wearing the hejab, or thinking about it feels the same way I do. Putting the hejab means compromising the person that you are, albeit it being superficial or not. Changing the way we look, does take a lot of guts. However, no one can deny that it is fitrah of a woman to dress up, to look pretty and we love pretty things.

My 4 year old daughter is a testament of that. I thought that it was my responsibility to monitor her growing passion for dressing up. I even detested her ears being pierced in the beginning because I don't want her to be consumed with the idea of beauty or beautification. It is a facade, after all isn't it? I was so wrong. Binti is developing on her own, and soon, pretty pink shirts, with flowers, ribbons, butterflies and skirts, braided hair with cute clips became her thing. The thing that she adamantly stood firmly for. The thing that differentiates her from her brother.

I've always been inspired by reverts and I am further consoled by the fact that there are so many muslims from the West who chosed to live here for Islam, and Islam alone. Being new muslims, they find the challenges of the West overwhelming and distracting for their new found faith. They left their countries and well paying jobs, to move here so that they and their family can practise Islam freely and correctly. Born muslims, like me on the other hand, just grew up accepting the environment without asking or looking for change (to fit an Islamic lifestyle).

I am in love with all the sisters that I know here. They are the epitomy of strength, faith, perseverance and patience. I love that I can be around them to just have fun, and the fact we are all on the same road, gave us a wide range of topics to talk about, despite our backgrounds and nationalities. I find Islam beautiful that way. I don't need to prove myself anymore, or to explain why I am different, it is exhausting to always have to be on your feet when an ignorant challenges Islam. I never regretted defending Islam (even though I'm never good at it) but I believe it is as neccessary for me to live Islam to the fullest I can or else, I will just be preaching ideas, not experiences.

Now no matter what people say about Saudi Arabia, I can defend that because I have lived here, and reaped the benefits from it. I can finally say that I am happy, because my heart is so content and I will continue to seek His knowledge for as long as I can. Inshaallah.

Spirituality I now concede comes hand in hand with practice, and the environment is really the Big Brother. As of immediate effect, we want to let go of our house as badly as we had wanted it in the first place. I don't need to live with non-muslims who don't respect my faith, because this is after all a free world. I can choose. I had chosen a house with full open living room-dining-kitchen concept and now regretted it. I cannot invite my beloved sisters and their husband in my house because of the non-segregrational environment. Once I put up curtains in the dining area and created a whole new living room there just to be able to host a dear sister and her family.

I am moving out. May the next place be the Home that will see us through our ongoing journeys with Islam and foster our relationships with practicing muslims in this country. Ameen.

Footnote > I realise now that I was stucked in the phase that I was with hejab because I did'nt look or know any further. I thought that was it and I was suppose to live as a muslimah that way, but alhamdulillah Allah showed me the right way. I realize if I had looked, I will probably have found those sisters anywhere, and I could have asked them, but I didn't. Glory be to Allah. Allah Akhbar.